Hey Loser!
by hazeltwist
Summary: This here's a fic dedicated to the sole purpose of bashing some charcters! First up? Yamucha! Let the insults fly!
1. Yamucha

A/N: Yo Minna! How've ya been? That's great/terrible! Well, I've decided to try out something new. A character-bashing fic! Yup, this is my first fic completely dedicated to bashing on a DBZ character. And which character would that be? Yamucha, of course! To all those Yamucha fans out there, sorry. But don't let that stop you from reading the fic! Hope y'all enjoy it, I do. Now go on and read! And review too! Arigato!  
  
  
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One bright, sunshiny afternoon our dear friend Yamucha was walking down the block, scoping out girls, since he's the biggest pervert in West City. Anyway, he had just spotted one helluva knockout, and was about to try his pathetic attempt at flirting, when all of a sudden, he bumped into someone. He immediately tried to start a fight. Hm... he never WAS the brightest crayon in the box, now was he?  
  
"Hey DUDE, watch where you're going!" Yamucha said in that annoying voice of his, to the Big Guy in front of him. The other man growled, and picked Yamucha up by the collar of his shirt. Yamucha being the cocky bastard that he is, thought nothing of it, and proceeded to smirk at the man.  
  
This is the part where the Big Guy punches Yamucha straight in the jaw. Ouch.  
  
Yamucha went flying into the nearest wall, and since he's such a weakling that even an untrained human such as Big Guy could hit him, he was knocked out. Passersby gave a glance and kept on walking. No need to pay attention to a lowlife. A lowlife who wasn't even a GOOD baseball player.   
  
Three hours later, Yamucha finally woke up to see that it was dark out, and that he was forty-five minutes late for his date with Bulma. Instead of heading straight to her house, he ran home. He threw on some decent clothes, or what HE thought were decent clothes, and, ignoring Puar, who was trying her very best to kill him with a spatula, ran out of the house and drove over to Capsule Corp. conveniently forgetting that he knew how to fly. Dumbass.  
  
Anywho, he arrived at Capsule Corp. half an hour later, and ran up to the door. Being the rude person that he is, Yamucha just opened the door and strolled right in, as if he still lived there. Passing by Mrs. Briefs, who wouldn't even look at the ugly S.O.B., he walked straight up to Bulma's room and barged right in.   
  
"Sorry I'm late BABE, I was busy." He said.  
  
Bulma, the biggest ho in history, who was right in the middle of a make-out session with one of her servants(Vegeta's MINE! ^_^), shrieked and shot straight up.   
  
"Bulma! You've been cheating on me?!" Yamucha cried. No really, he cried. As in tears. Sheesh, what a baby.   
  
"Well, I knew you were gonna be late again, but I didn't expect you so soon! You weren't supposed to see this!" The air-head said.  
  
"I'm sure! And who's this guy, huh? How long have you been cheating on me with him?!"  
  
"Him? Oh, only a few days."  
  
"Grr, well not anymore!"  
  
Yamucha finally stopped acting like a baby, and instead decided to act like an unbelievably fake macho-man. He rolled up his sleeves, and marched over to the Servant Dude, ignoring the cries of 'Touch him and it's SO over between us!' in the background. Raising his fist, and about to strike, he said, "Alright buddy, here's for stealing my girl!"  
  
And this would be the part where the Servant Dude punches Yamucha straight in the nose. Double ouch.  
  
The idiot went flying into the wall for the second time that day, and since he's such a weakling that a servant-maid could knock him out, he was knocked out. Bulma looked at the unconscious loser lying in the middle of her floor, walked over to the Servant Dude, and they began to make-out again.  
  
Three hours later, again, Yamucha finally woke up to find he was still in Bulma's room, and the others were long gone. Overlooking the fact that she'd left him unconscious on the floor, because he was too stupid to realize it, he took off to find Bulma and try to make up. Also overlooking the fact that SHE had been the one to cheat on HIM, he fully intended to apologize for whatever he'd done that had made her mad.  
  
He found her in the kitchen, along with her mother, and Vegeta(^-^), who was eating. He walked over to Bulma but before he got there, Vegeta stuck out his foot and tripped the loser. Yamucha fell, and Vegeta, Bulma, and her mother all had a good laugh. The idiot picked himself off, but then tripped again, but by himself this time. This got another good laugh out of the three. He once again tried walking without falling over himself, and finally stood next to Bulma. He then attempted to sweet-talk his way back into her life.  
  
"Yo BABY, I'm sorry 'bout what happened before. Wanna french and make-up?" He said, sticking out his tongue. Bulma, who was repulsed by this, grabbed the burning hot frying pan that sat on the stove and whacked him a good one. The weakling was knocked out for the third time. Vegeta did the honors, and picked up Yamucha by the collar, dragged him out the door, and threw him as far as he could.  
  
Three days later, our village idiot woke up in the middle of a bullpen in Spain, and was later gored in the ass by a bull. When he got out of the hospital two weeks later, no one had visited him, or had even noticed that he'd been gone, he returned to Japan, all the while waddling to keep his cheeks from rubbing together. He flew back to Capsule Corp. to find that Bulma had slept with almost every Servant Guy in the building, and that Mrs. Briefs had taken the liberty of selling his watch, which had been left behind. Upon returning home, he also found that Puar was just about ready to have his house knocked down, which would soon be replaced by a condo where she and her friend, Dr. Briefs' cat, Kat, would be roommates.  
  
Yamucha ran away in tears and took up a life of living on the streets and letting people beat on him for cash, which he stupidly use on baseball lessons, rather then finding a place to live. In any case, the lessons did nothing to help him. He then got frustrated and brightly decided to take skydiving lessons instead. He was never heard from again. And there was much rejoicing.   
  
END  
  
  
***  
  
  
Soo? How'd you like? Hope ya did. And did you like the little bit of Bulma-bashing I threw in there? ^-^ Hope so! Since this was my first attempt at this sort of thing, I hope it wasn't too bad. Actually, I originally wrote this as a submission in a fanfic contest, and since I'm the only person submitting to the character-bashing section, my odds at winning that one are very good! ^-^ So far anyway. Wish me luck y'all! If you people like, I might even have a sequel! Bashing someone else of course. ^.^ But I need suggestions! Leave a review! Tell me what you thought! I've got to be off, but I'll be back!   
  
Sayonara Minna-San!  
T-Sama~ 


	2. Yamucha Squared

A/N: Yo minna! Hello, hi, how are you? Now, I just want to tell all a y'all, that I really wasn't planning on writing another chapter for this fic. I had planned on it at first, then changed my mind, and now I'm changing it again. All thanks to one little flame. I recieved a VERY intresting flame, from someone by the name of 'Yamcha', who was too afraid of me to leave his real email address. Don't get me wrong, I loved every bit of it, and I just have one thing to say to you 'Yamcha'. I love you too.   
  
Hope you all enjoy. Short, like the other, but it has nothing to do with it. It's completely different, and nothing that happens here is related to what happened in chapter one. Well, okay, maybe a little... Enjoy minna, and Arigato!  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
One fine and dandy afternoon Yamucha was walking along and whistling to the tune of some cat-food commercial, because everyone yelled at him when he sang it. Anywho, he went strolling past the park and was just about to turn into another street when suddenly...  
  
A hovercar doing 110 in a 45 mph zone jumped the curb and hit Yamucha head on. Ouch.   
  
Yamucha's filthy body(bathing once every two weeks'll do that to ya) went flying through the air and slammed into a conveniently placed radio tower. As he fell to the ground, several bystanders gave him a dirty look for cracking the side of the building. A little girl carrying a SuperSaiyan doll(we all know that the humans have alien merchandise. It's a conspiracy I tell you!) ran up to him, and he smiled at the child(rhyme, hehe). The little girl, who was previously trying to help the idiot, was scared away, and whacked him with her doll before running back to her parents.  
  
Half an hour later, Yamucha was able to get himself off the ground, and began to walk home. As he was passing the butcher shop however, a meat cleaver came flying out of the open door and sliced off a good chunk of his hair. Yamucha, who for some reason always prided himself on his 'immaculate' hair(the bugs were only there to eat the dandruff. That's how he kept it so shiny and flake-free! -.-), shrieked like a banshee and proceeded to run in a circle in the middle of the street, and chant "My hair! My hair!" until the neighborhood Samaritan whipped out a bazooka and shot him into the sky.  
  
Yamucha went soaring through the air for quite a while until finally landing in a dumpster located somewhere in Ghettoville, Japan. Ew. He's dirtying up the trash.   
  
After climbing out, he went along on his not-so-merry way trying to comprehend why all these horrible things were happening to him. Before long, the bakayaro came across a small bunch of people. He stupidly failed to notice that they all wore black face masks and one held a weapon that looked suspiciously like a gloch. Good one Yamucha.  
  
"Hey DUDES!" He called to the semi-psycho muggers. "I'm lost. Can you HOMIES help me out?" Ahh. 'Homies.' It's so painful...  
  
The group turned towards Yamucha, temporarily forgetting that hey had a bank to rob. Hmm, guess they're not so smart, eh? Cops cops cops on the way...  
  
"Who the hell are you? Can't you see we're busy? Get lost dumbass!" The leader, apparently, called back to Yamucha. He turned his machine gun on him and let loose a round of bullets. Yamucha was fortunately(or unfortunately) smart enough to realize he was about to die, so he dove behind a car. Unfortunately, again, a few of the bullets, and one VERY large shot from the gloch hit the gas-tank and the car blew sky-high. Yamucha of course, took the full brunt of the blast. The gang, figuring that he was dead, resumed robbing the Japanese National Banking Department of Ghettoville, but were apprehended by the suits four minutes later.  
  
Yamucha was left to pull himself out of the wreckage an hour later. He limped home, stupidly forgetting that he knew how to fly, or could catch a bus. Idiot.  
  
And so, 17 hours passed, and he managed to drag his sorry ass back to what he calls a home in West City. Actually, it was half an apartment. Puar went a little overboard with explosives the last time she'd tried to kill him off. Poor Puar. The bastard just doesn't die, now does he?   
  
Tossing off his shirt(ewww) and plopping himself down on the moldy and broken sofa, he tried to ignore everything that had happened that day. He decided he was hungry and walked over to the kitchen, noticing it had begun to rain. And with that, his T.V. was immediately struck by lightning. His house(or what was left of it) immiediatly caught fire. Yamucha was just about to run out the door and escape the fire, but his stomach growled, and he decided to eat first. He fixed himself a sandwich and sat down at the cracked kitchen table.   
  
30 seconds later the neighborhood had the pleasure of witnessing a flaming moron run down the street half-naked and screeching loud enough to shatter the sound barrier. The aforementioned moron ran all the way to the fire department, forgetting those three important words: Stop. Drop. Roll. He then grabbed a firehose and, aiming at himself, turned it on. Jackass.  
  
The water pressure from the hose put him out, but also sent him flying into a fire truck. The firemen who were nearby watched, quite amusedly, as he was imbedded in the side of their truck. Eventually growing tired of this, one walked over and shut off the hose. Then they all left to go have some lunch. Yamucha was once again left to help himself, and managed to pry himself out of the truck, with great difficulty of course. He managed to snag his 2 dollar watch on some jagged edges at LEAST 3 times. And his shoelaces a couple times too.  
  
He sat himself down on the ground and proceeded to stare at his broken shoelaces for several hours, moping. Finally another fireman came along, dragged him over to the trash, and tossed him in. Later, the garbage truck came along, the driver of the truck grabbed the trashcan Yamucha was in, and into the back he went. Quite some time later, Yamucha realized he was in a dumptruck, and formed a brilliant plan of escape. As soon as the garbage man reached his next stop, and did his business, our favorite shmuck quickly jumped into the newly emptied dumpster and waited for the truck to drive away. It was then he discovered that he was in the same dumpster he'd landed in earlier that day. Small world, huh?   
  
Figuring that, since he was in the neighborhood and all, Yamucha would take a walk down to the County Jail to visit his friends, the semi-psycho muggers from earlier that day. They were VERY happy to see him...  
  
  
END  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
So? What'dya think? Like, don't like, have very strong feelings for, love, despise? Tell me all about it! Please leave a review. Flames are welcomed as well. I eat 'em up. Now, thanks to those who did review. Even you flamers! ^-^  
  
Gracias:  
  
Saiyan(Aww, thanks! I'm sure you could find time to relax and write. Good luck! ^-^), Maria S.(OOCness? Not an issue. It's a parody after all. ^-^ Heh, cool!), ~D*Tamer~*~Ruki*Chan~(Thanks so much for yor flame! I really don't have anything better to do, you know!), Rae George(*sniffles* Your proud? Aww! Thankies! ^-^ I tried! I do have much to learn, but I think this is a nice start... don't you?), BippityBoppityBulma(Hope you didn't take it too personally. It's just a parody after all. ^-^ I like Spain. The bulls! They run! Ahh!!), the faceless pirate(Sadly, this is true! ^-^ Review are always fun to read!), springwarrior(Ahh, someone who understands the concept of a parody! ^-^ Thank you my friend! I may do other people in the future, so Kuririn is definately an option!), sir_black(That's cool. ^.^ I may do her in the future as well.), Sakura no Tenshii(I like them too, but we always hurt the ones we love! I certainly will, and thank you!), and finally, my dear dear friend, 'Yamcha'(Thank you for that wonderful little tid-bit. I love you too darling.)  
  
Whew! That's all of you. Hope y'all like this chapter... or hate... as much as the first. I might not be updating much from now on... or less then I already do...u.u, school's starting in a couple days. I'm sure many of you can sympathize! I'm in a couple honors classes, which I HATE because no one I know is in them. I'll be alone! u.u Blaah. Oh well. Talk to you all soon minna!  
  
Sayonara Minna-San!  
T-Sama~ 


	3. Kuririn

A/N: Hey, hi, how you doin'? Ahh, I'm so glad I got this chapter up today. I've been wondering who to work on after Yamucha, so when I decided on Kuririn, I didn't know how it'd turn out. Looks okay to me, but I'm favoring my first two chapters. Well, read and decide for yourself minna. And I'd just like to say to future flamers, that this is a PARODY fanfiction and that even though I bash, I actually like these characters some. So yank that stick out of your ass and quit being a baby. Now, Arigato!  
  
  
  
  
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On one glorious, starry-skied evening our all-time favorite former monk Kuririn was out for a stroll in West City. After three straight hours of listening to the pervert, the pig, and the should-be-dead-and-decaying-by-now-but-isn't turtle argue over the remote, he forgot about babysitting his daughter while his wife was out robbing a jewelry store, and took off. Walking along on his merry little way with no exact destination in mind, he stopped in front of a Shoe Shop to take a look in the window.  
  
Half an hour later, the balding one emerged from the shop, his wallet over two hundred dollars lighter, with a freakishly expensive pair of cowboy boots for his lovely lover. How he could afford a pair of disgustingly high-priced boots when he supposedly can't afford rent is beyond me. How he could actually get someone to marry him is beyond me as well. But then, there isn't much else to say when you consider the fact that the person who DID marry him was an Android. Hm. Well, moving on.  
  
Kuririn continued his stroll down the avenue, pausing once to help an old lady across the street. Unfortunately, he took her hand a little too roughly, and three hours later she couldn't use it to pick up her coffee cup after the doctor informed her that all of her the bones had been crushed. But at least he got her across the street. Good job there, shorty.  
  
After stopping at several more stores, and capsulizing about fourteen Big Brown Shopping Bags, the former monk popped the cases into his pocket and walked on. Tucking his wallet into his pocket with the capsules, he made a mental note to leave Master Roshi another I.O.U. for this month's rent. Living on a private island in the middle of nowhere sure got expensive after a while. Passing by Capsule Corp. Drive, he doubled back, grabbed a coffee at the corner Starbucks, and headed towards Bulma's. 'Wow, Bulma will be so surprised to see me!' He thought happily. 'I think it's been a full two days since our last barbeque get-together.' Wow. A lot could have happened to Bulma in two days. She might have even gotten herself knocked up again.  
  
Reaching the driveway of the large complex, he walked up to the door and knocked, waiting for someone to answer.  
  
After a few minutes he knocked again, and stood back on the steps, waiting.  
  
Another knock. More waiting.  
  
One more time. Still no answer.  
  
'Hmm, they must have gone out.' He thought, and walked back down the driveway, deciding to drop by Yamucha's old apartment and see if he was in. Meanwhile, Bulma took one last peek out of the window, made sure that Kuririn was turning the corner, and yelled out, 'Okay everyone! He's gone! Now back to work! I have to go sunbathe and those shipments better have gone out before I get back!' Ahh, dictating over some three hundred factory-workers sure does feel good, doesn't it?  
  
Kuririn turned the corner and sneezed, spilling his coffee all over his pants, yet not feeling a thing. But he'll sure as hell smell later. Taking out a hanky, he thought someone must have been talking about him. Maybe his wife was telling some nice young man about him, just like yesterday when they were at the department store and she was talking to the fabulous-looking clerk at the desk. Or the day before when she'd been speaking to the gorgeous policeman outside of the Dunkin' Donuts. Oh well. He'd ask later.  
  
Moving on once again, he stopped to throw his snot-filled hanky in the garbage, and paused as he felt something warm on his leg. Our tiny little man looked down and discovered that a cute, little poodle had chosen his leg as a urinal. He immediately froze, terrified as only a coward like him could be. Dogs sure were mean, and they were nasty too. Scared shitless, Kuririn remembered something his masters at the monastery had told him once: Wild animals like fresh meat, and if you play dead they're likely to leave you alone.  
  
Dropping to the ground, and almost hitting the poor pup in the process, Kuririn gulped and tried to stop his shaking. Imagine, being confronted with a DOG of all things. It couldn't have been something like a nice stick, or a leaf that would piss on his leg. Nope it had to be a scary-ass dog. And it was a whole foot and a half tall too.  
  
The poodle looked at him confusedly. It sniffed his arm, chest, and face, where the monk nearly had a stroke. The pup lifted his leg and finished it's business and trotted off, leaving our scared and shaking friend alone. After trembling in fright for another good hour before realizing the dog had left, Kuririn sat up in a cold puddle of pee. And not necessarily all from the poodle. He stood up and shook himself off, and remembering his plan to visit Yamucha, took off without thought to find somewhere to clean up the mess of urine and coffee, being cautious not to come across any more stray dogs. Or cats for that matter. If dogs were scary then cats were just plain evil.  
  
Kuririn had just passed the Starbucks when a man wearing a long, purple trench coat, bright orange pants, and a blue and pink, unbuttoned flannel shirt ran by, picked him straight off the ground, slung him over his shoulder, and ran off into the setting sun, screeching 'Fish, and fish, the bed sheets are attacking and the dolphins have all run away!!' at a volume considered not humanly possible, until now.  
  
Hey… that guy just stole my stooge. Hm… well, only future chapters may tell us the fate of our dear boy. First I have to track down that dude and get him back. Maybe I can get the dude too…   
  
Until next time, may you offend your acquaintances with utter sarcasm and disdain.  
  
  
  
  
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*grins* I left off short. I decided half-way through to make it two chapters long, like Yamucha's. But since Yamucha's chapters were two completely different stories from each other, and Kuririn's will be a continuation... it might get confusing. Sorry about that. :P Now, the thanks.  
  
S'ankyuu to those who reviewed:  
  
SSJSkaterTrunks(*grins* Thanks! Heh, I'm not saying I hate him, but Yamucha DOES suck just a little bit! :P), sir-black(That was fun to write. Even more fun to visualize. ^^), HyperSaiyan(^-^ Yamucha is VERY easy to bash. He's not all bad, but it's just so fun! Hope you liked this one as well! And sorry, no other Yammy-chapter. But Kuririn might serve just as well!), Dragon Knight of Snow(^^ Thanks! Glad I made ya laugh. I like doing that! Hope you liked this chapter. And I hope you laughed too!), Sakura no Tenshii(*big grin* I'm so mean! But when you get the ideas, you have to put them down! Yamucha's such a schmoe, true. ^^ Did this live up to the other two? Here's hoping! Talk soon!), SaiyanPrincessZu(Hee, laughing's fun! And don't worry, I changed characters!), Chiruse(*gasp* Such language! ^^ Ahh, glad you liked. So, what do you think of Kuririn? *giggle*), and of course, Chrystaline(*snickers* You don't have to hate to appreciate! Master Roshi is one hell of a perv, but Yamucha's a player. :P Supposedly. And Bulma's just too easy to bash. Talk soon!)!  
  
Thanks to everyone for reviewing. And not a single flame did chapter two recieve! That's an accomplishent, you know. :-P Beware friends! I have someone in mind to work on after Kuririn's has been finished. Meaning, there will be MORE!   
  
Hope y'all enjoyed! If not, suck a lemon and laugh at the sour face you make in the mirror! Ta for now!  
  
Sayonara Minna-San!  
T-Sama~  
  
BTW: I'm thinking of changing my pen-name to Ashatan. Whadaya think? 


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